Allegheny Reproductive Health Center

How are you doing?

If your partner is facing a decision about an unexpected pregnancy, you are probably worried about her. You may also be thinking about how the decision could affect you. As she considers parenthood, abortion, or adoption, you may be feeling scared, guilty, sad, shut out, or just plain confused. Even though you may be trying to be strong for her, your own feelings may be quite strong. You may be upset at the idea of losing, or continuing the pregnancy. Or, you may be worried about losing your relationship with her.

Most women want to know how their partner feels. You may think it's better to support "whatever she wants," or, you may not want to "influence" her too much. But, it's important to tell her how you feel, knowing that ultimately she has to follow her own feelings. She does want to hear that you are concerned about her and that you care.  We created a website just for men that addresses questions and issues men have.  You can access the site at www.MenAndAbortion.com.

"I feel so guilty"

Some men feel guilty that they caused the pregnancy, especially if they were not using a condom. Unless you pressured her into having sex, you are both responsible for the pregnancy. Focus on what you can do now and in the future. Tell her you are sorry it happened and become involved in preventing a future pregnancy.

You may be feeling guilty if she has chosen an abortion. Most people choose abortion because they think it's better than the other alternatives. If you still think abortion is morally wrong, the solution lies in forgiveness -- from yourself, for her, or from God.

"I feel bad because I'm not a good provider" 

Sometimes men feel like a failure because they can't afford a child -- or another child. It may be a goal to get more financially stable so that you can have a child someday. or, you may feel that if you are working all the time, you can't be with her or with your children. More and more families are relying on two paychecks to get by. Or, you may feel that even though it will be hard, it's worth having another child. Share your thoughts with her and let her help.

"Will we break up?"

If both of you agree and support each other - and talk to each other - the relationship can get even better. Even if you don't agree, if you show that you care about each other, the relationship can grow. But it is a very difficult time, so be patient and take the time to talk to each other. Even if you have already agreed to break up, caring for each other now will make you both cope better with this unexpected situation. You will feel better knowing that you did your best in a difficult time.

"What do I do if she keeps blaming me?"

If your partner is blaming you, it may mean that she wants to hear that you are sorry she is hurt or going through all this. Try saying sincerely, "I'm sorry I helped you get into this, and I'm sorry you're hurting." You don't have to take all the blame. If she continues to blame you, it may be her way of not taking responsibility.

"I wanted this baby."

If may be hard on you if you wanted to have a baby with her or get married and she doesn't. You may feel the loss more than she does. People who suffer a lossneed to grieve. It's important that you find someone who can listen to what you're going through. That may be a counselor or a friend who can keep a confidence.

Showing Her You Care

1. Let her know you're sorry she's the one who has to go through all this physically.
2. Check in with her often about how she's feeling.
3. Do something special for her -- flowers, dinner, a love letter, a gift.
4. Be affectionate, but be prepared for her not to want to be sexual. You may feel rejected, but remember that she connects sex with this difficult situation
5. Be understanding about pregnancy symptoms. Nausea, tiredness, irritability and moodiness are all pregnancy symptoms. Most will go away within a few days after an abortion. If she continues the pregnancy, some symptoms like nausea may go away after 12 weeks or so.
6. If she chooses abortion, you can read over the aftercare instructions she is given. Have pain medications available and maybe a heating pad or hot water bottle. Help her to avoid infection by avoiding intercourse for two weeks. If she is choosing to continue the pregnancy, you can attend prenatal visits and birthing classes with her.
7. Help with birth control. Use condoms. Help to pay for other birth control options. Practice safer sex.

Talking to Someone

It may help for you to talk to someone too. She may not be the only one having a hard time. Ask at the doctor's or clinic if there is someone you can speak to. Or, seek out counseling from a mental health clinic, a family planning clinic, or a private therapist. If you continue to have a hard time with your partner's decision, get help.

Excerpted from Pregnant? Need help? Pregnancy Options Workbook and "After Her Abortion" For Parents Male Partners, and Friends, by Anne Baker The Hope Clinic for Women Ltd. 1602 21st St. Granite City IL 62040